"Thank You Notes"

Sunday January 11, 2004

First Unitarian Church of Alton

I finished writing my thank you notes last week – I usually write then immediately after the New Year and try to send them to anyone who gave me a gift that I did not acknowledge in person. I received no thank you notes even though I sent several gifts through the mail to friends and family.

The beginning of the New Year always meant writing thank you notes. It was an understood fact that I would not return to school unless they had been written and mailed. Even if I verbally and in person thanked the person who gave me the gift, I still had to write a note. This is what was done---and I learned to enjoy doing it.

I found it fun to write to relatives on pretty note paper and try to tell them what was unique or special about their gift or to delight in explaining just what I did with their monetary gift.

I extended this practice to my own sons, being even more strict about it -I would not let them cash a gift check until the note was mailed – this really speeded up the process immensely.

Nowadays we write few thank you notes and I suspect receive even fewer. I find this lamentable because I believe that thank you’s are never abundant enough much les equal to the gifts we receive.

Like an old Jewish grandmother who threatened to stop giving her grandchildren gifts because she never was thanked, I am old fashioned and pretty traditional about this lost art.

It doesn’t take much to write a note to someone and I never understood what was so difficult about it that it would so rarely be accomplished.

I think one of the most important things we can teach our children is to have a sense of appreciation for everything and to learn how to express it. But it takes an example to teach children to understand the relationship between receiving and giving thanks. All too often birthdays and Christmas are filled with gifts being showered upon children with no expectation that they reciprocate much less express thanks for these items. I think this has to be taught – although in some children it seems to come naturally perhaps because of the example of their families.

Thank you notes are, in the purest sense, an expression of the person who writes them. They are, in actuality, a small piece of the sender. By nature members of the human race like to be appreciated for what they do. Rare are the individuals who are so fortified by their own beliefs that they need no acknowledgement or appreciation. When we tell someone we have noticed their acts, we can effectively reinforce that behavior while making them feel great about who they are and how they act.

We need to make connections with one another. Writing a thank-you note makes a connection and brings a relationship full circle. I believe that a gift cannot be fully received until it is acknowledged and appreciated. It isn’t yours until that relationship is established.

It may seem like a simple thing, and it is, but it is often the simple things that make life worthwhile.

A thank-you note is an act of grace. It completes a circle. If I take the trouble to tell you on paper what a difference you have made to me, then it makes your gift or kindness an act of mutuality. It is something between us, something we share. It connects us and makes us both feel not only better, but possibly saner.

That a thank you note most often is tangible, written on paper, sent through the mail – it is real it is a symbol of the sentiment contained within – makes the note itself a unique kind of gift.

"Such a sweet gift – says Garrison Keillor – "a piece of handmade writing, in an envelope that is not a bill, sitting in our friend’s path when she trudges home from a long day…a day our words will help repair. They don’t need to be immortal, just sincere. She can read them twice and again tomorrow."

Nowadays we have the option of email notes and they are now accepted in some cases as being appropriate, although much less formal, than a written note. It certainly is less intimate and personal.

A proverb states: "Gratitude takes three forms- a feeling in the heart, an expression in words, and a giving in return." How often do we experience a feeling of gratitude but never follow though on the expression in words, creating the next level of giving.

Consider for a moment the thank you note as a medium for showing kindness and for improving someone else’s life even if for the briefest of moments. A great many people perform their daily tasks in relative obscurity and without so much as a hint of appreciation, and over time this often takes a toll on the human psyche. You may be able to improve a life or change the way one person treats another. Thank you notes are the perfect way for you as an individual to affect change.

Consider for example this simple anecdote: A young man was working his way through college by waiting tables at a downtown restaurant. On any given day, man and women very much concerned with their own lives and jobs would fill the restaurant shortly after noon, give abrupt orders and vacate the establishment throwing a few dollars down on the table.

But on one particular day, the young man returned to clear a table of a customer who had been eating alone to find a business card accompanying the tip. On the back was written "Thank you for your great service! Your attitude will get you anything you desire and are willing to work for.

With this simple gesture, the business man had restored the morale and redeemed the character of at least one individual. Chances are the business man derived as much pleasure out of doing it as did the waiter upon receiving it.

Thus is the nature of giving and receiving. I probably cannot tell you what people over the years have given me as gifts. But I can certainly tell you that the several notes I have received over the past few years thanking me for my ministry meant more than anything that could have been wrapped up in paper. Likewise, I recall much more clearly those sincere and heartfelt thank you notes for gifts I have given than the gifts themselves.

To feel appreciated is essential to being human and to living fully. If everything we did existed in a void and was never noticed or acknowledged, how sad we would be.

Sometimes I think we may think it is corny or unintelligent to follow etiquette rules or to be gracious or extravagant. But I think the idea of thank you notes can be a deeply spiritual and sacred practice if we think about them being for the reasons just cited – we can change someone else’s outlook, we can actually help another person feel better, plus we can perpetuate the practice by passing along a good thing – a good feeling or sense of well being.

I do believe this kind of thing is contagious and serves to help make the world a better place.

Cynthia Ozick’s quote: "We take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude", is at the heart of my message. For we are surrounded by things we take for granted.

Native Americans understand this sentiment that what most deserves our gratitude is often taken for granted. That is why they say a prayer when they cut down a tree, drink water from a stream or kill an animal for food.

I tend to be one of those fuddy-duddys who expect to get a thank you note for a gift – especially if I have sent it through the mail and was not there to see the recipient open it. I always swear I won’t send another thing until I do.

But this is about expectations and I cannot impose them on children for example. It is parents who have to do that. And I have seen many parents thank their child for doing something that the child should just do without being thanked for it ="Thank you for putting you clothes away Johnny" Or "Thank you for behaving at the restaurant" "for not throwing a tantrum in the toy store" are some examples.

It’s funny that these acts of appreciation don’t seem to engender the practice in the child – the child who is often thanked like this is most often the least likely to be polite or to show appreciation for anything.

Which brings me back to expectations. Of which I have a theory = expectations are about hope – what we hope to achieve or receive or accomplish or experience. I think that even when the least of our expectations are met, this deserves an act of thanks.

We don’t deserve anything really – so a kind gesture, a job well done, and especially a gift received demands our attention and reciprocal act of gratitude.

Theologically, this is how the world operates in some sense. We don’t deserve to have most of what we do – life itself for example or beautiful sunsets and snowfalls, other humans with which to interact.

All these are gifts. How are they acknowledged? How do you express thanks for what you have been given that was not expected?

Prayer and good works are one way – to pass your thanks on to others . Actually writing it down is another – there was a popular book out recently that suggested keeping a gratitude journal. I did this for a long time – wrote down 5 things at bedtime everyday I was grateful for. Let me tell you, it really changed my outlook and helped me to see how much I had rather than how much was lacking.

Quite often those lists contained gratitude for another’s act of appreciation, for as I said above, this is truly the greatest gift.

We do not give to get – we live to give back.

It was once said about a famous Hollywood star that "She always mentioned every flower in the arrangement, or repeated the titles of books and their authors or the recordings and their soloists, almost as if she wanted to be certain that I understood that in her thanks she took as much care as I did in the selection."

This to me is the essence of thank you notes – that we as the giver feel we have received as much as the receiver of the gift. This cannot happen without some sort of communication. It applies to gifts wrapped in beautiful paper as well as the acceptance of the world around us – we are somehow obligated to offer a word of thanks for all we receive every day, bidden, expected, deserved, or not.

Thank you notes may seem mundane and outdated but they are a generous and wonderful gift that creates a circle and keeps the universe moving toward wholeness and peace by connecting us with one another as well as the created world. THANK YOU!